Helping Your Teen or Young Adult Through a Divorce

The most useful things you can do for a teen or young adult during a divorce are to keep them out of the conflict, keep their own life (school, work, sleep, friends) as steady as possible, and give them real say over the parts of their schedule that are theirs. Teens notice far more than parents expect, and young adults often get less support because everyone assumes they are grown. This guide is written for either parent, and nothing in it is legal advice.

Why conflict matters more than the divorce itself

Research summarized by the American Psychological Association identifies the level of conflict between parents as one of the key predictors of children’s long-term adjustment after a divorce (APA Monitor on Psychology, 2005). That is hopeful: you cannot undo the divorce, but you have a lot of control over how much of the conflict your child absorbs.

• Do not ask a teen to carry messages, report on the other household or keep secrets from the other parent.
• Do not vent about the other parent to your child, even an adult child who seems to be on your side.
• Keep logistics between the adults: a shared calendar, a co-parenting app or email, not your teenager’s phone.
• Tell them, more than once, that the divorce is not their fault and that they do not have to choose.

What changes by age

Middle school and early high school

Younger teens tend to want predictability above all. Explain the new schedule concretely, put it in writing and keep school, activities and friends in place as much as possible. Expect grades or mood to dip for a while; plan for it rather than punishing it.

Older high school students

Older teens want a voice. In California, a child old enough to form a reasoned preference has that preference considered, and a child 14 or older who wishes to address the court is generally permitted to (California Family Code section 3042). Whether and how that happens is something to discuss with your attorney, not your teen’s mentor or teacher. Day to day, give them real input on things like where they do homework, how pickups work around practice and how holidays feel.

College students and young adults

Young adults are often treated as finished, but a divorce can unsettle the “home” they were launching from. Watch for a college student who stops going to class, wants to come home mid-semester or goes quiet. Financial aid forms have their own rules for students whose parents are divorced or separated, so check the official guidance at studentaid.gov and with the college’s financial aid office before filing. See when a college student wants to come home and when a college student stops calling home.

Keeping school on track across two homes

• One system, not two: one planner or app the student keeps, rather than different rules at each house.
• Duplicates where it is cheap: chargers, basic supplies, a second set of the things that always get left behind.
• One point of contact for school: agree which parent handles which school communications, or that both are copied. Schools generally share records with both parents unless a court order says otherwise; see FERPA for parents for how this works once a student is in college.
• Protect sleep: transition days are often late nights. Keep handoffs early enough that homework and bedtime survive them.
• Tell the school what it needs to know: a short note to a counselor that the family is going through a change helps staff interpret a slump without sharing details.

If you are heading to mediation or court

California requires parents with a custody and visitation court date to attend mediation (or child custody recommending counseling in some courts) before seeing the judge, and the courts’ own guidance tells parents not to bring children to mediation (California Courts Self Help Guide). Keep your teen out of the preparation: they should not be rehearsing what to say or reading documents.

When a neutral outside adult helps

Many teens and young adults do better with one adult in their life who is not on either side. That can be a coach, a teacher, a relative both parents trust or a mentor. A mentor’s job is narrow and practical: keep school, work and routines moving, help the young person plan their own week across two homes, and give them a place to think out loud that is not part of the family dispute.

At Blackburn Mentoring, for a minor we ask that the parents who share decisions about the child both agree before mentoring starts, and both can receive the same progress updates. For a young adult, the young adult decides what either parent hears. Mentors do not take sides, evaluate parents or give legal advice, and mentoring is not therapy. If your child is struggling with mood, safety or anything else that worries you, talk with their doctor or a licensed therapist; in a crisis, call or text 988.

Related

• Rebuilding your routine after a divorce (for adults)
• When your teen is stressed about college admissions
• Family meetings with young adults
• How parent progress updates work
• For family law attorneys

Common questions

Should my teenager choose which parent to live with?

In California, a mature child’s preference is considered, and a child 14 or older who wants to address the court generally may, but the decision belongs to the parents and the court. Talk with your attorney about how that works in your case, and avoid asking your teen to choose.

My child is in college. Does the divorce still affect them?

Often, yes. Watch for missed classes, a sudden wish to come home or going quiet. Keep them out of the conflict, and check financial aid rules for divorced or separated parents at studentaid.gov.

How do we keep homework from falling apart between two houses?

Use one system the student owns, duplicate cheap essentials, agree how school communications work and keep handoffs early enough that bedtime survives.

Will a mentor take my side or report to my attorney?

No. A mentor works with the young person on school, work and routines, takes no side and writes nothing for any legal proceeding.

Is a mentor the same as a therapist?

No. Mentoring is practical support for routines, school and work. If your child needs therapy, arrange it with a licensed professional; mentoring can run alongside it.

Get started

If a neutral mentor sounds useful for your teen or young adult, start with a conversation. Call (888) 305 5422, email contact@blackburnmentoring.com or book a free 20 minute intro call. Mentoring is by video anywhere in the United States and in person in Los Angeles.